BACHELORETTE IN THE MIND OF A MAN

I was disappointed that there was no Bachelorette on this week, but happy to see that the Warriors won the NBA Championship. Plain and simple I am just not a fan of Lebron. Because there was no new episode, there obviously cannot be a recap. With my upcoming Bachelor Nation interview not yet ready to share, I reached out to my good friend, comedian Mitchell Virzi, to get his thoughts on the show. Mitchell is a man’s man and had never watched the show going into writing this post. I had him watch episode 1 of Rachel’s season. Hilarity ensued.

Before the Show:

I’ll admit I was reluctant to watch “The Bachelorette”, possibly because reality television is a guilty pleasure, and most dudes do not indulge. However, once I came to terms with myself and swallowed the elixir that is “pointless entertainment”, I found myself intrigued with the show, even gabbing with Cate about who I thought would win. Why?

We love love. The idea of it, the journey to find it, the woes of losing it, the moment one has found it. Love is, and always will be hypnotizing to its many seekers. And the primary audience of “The Bachelorette” is the most hopeless of romantics (teenage to young adult females). If you don’t believe me, the first two advertisements I saw were ClearBlue Pregnancy Tests and BJ’s Restaurants. ABC knows how to subliminally message. Speaking of subliminal messages, my brothers and I (The Virzi Triplets) will be on ABC’s “The Gong Show” on June 29 at 10pm!

The Bachelorette, despite its heightened reality, does parallel the real dating world in many ways. For example, every guy (except Whaboom!) can be the perfect “Thanksgiving boyfriend”. The one you take home to your parent’s house, he wears the collared shirt with a pastel sweater and he tucks it into his khakis; he is pleasant, cordial, “on his best behavior” to everyone at the gathering. It is extremely easy for men to do, but quite inauthentic. You see that with the first round of interviews where they visit some of the bachelors at their homes. When the cameras on around their family, they are a total catch, but when they interact with the other men in the house, their true colors show (cough, Josiah, cough).

There was one part of the show that bothered me. During the meeting with the Bridesmaids, which is exactly how I imagine every girl’s night is like, one girl said something along the lines of: “So that you can get the fairytale you rightfully deserve.” Let’s be clear, no one deserves a fairytale. That is B.S. that Disney has been brainwashing girls into believing (for profit) for the past 60 years without any regard to the psychological implications it has. This idea of “deserving a fairytale” is the foundation in which bride-zillas are created. As a guy this is a legitimate concern, because this “fairytale or bust” thought process is toxic. It will never be perfect, and accepting that fact will make you happier, I promise. Love is built on imperfections and compromises that both partners share. I know the girls that read this blog are totally cool, so it isn’t a problem, just wanted to give some Y-chromosome perspective.

Anywho…back to the show.

Pickup lines matter. The Bachelorette is like Tinder: funny opening lines trump being boring and respectful. I imagine The Bachelor is like Bumble and the girls only open with the line “Hey what’s up?” Sorry that’s a bitter, single guy inside joke. But the modern dating scene doesn’t have time for boring, you need to stand out. Much like The Bachelorette in the show, there are far too many options, and if you aren’t bringing something new to the table, then you are irrelevant. For example, the guy who dressed up as a penguin made me so angry as a man, I wanted to punch him through the screen. He was willing to humiliate himself publicly to get noticed, he should lose his man card. But instead he got a rose. In some twisted way it is more endearing like “look what this guy is willing to do just for me” instead of what it really is, which is pathetic. But dating is a risk-taker’s game and it always will be.

Despite the amount of times I cringed watching this, The Bachelorette is proof that men have not evolved. One look at all the men hovering around Rachel trying to talk to her is enough evidence. We are the same knuckle-dragging horndogs willing to do what’s necessary for a desirable lady, but instead of fighting for dominance, we have catch phrases, costumes, and fancy suits to win her heart over.

Thoughts While Watching:

Chris Harrison has the world’s easiest job.

31 years old? She’s a little old don’t you think? (KIDDING! Side note: I am a comedian…please take no offense to anything I say!)

When she lost on the previous season of The Bachelor, do you think she said OBJECTION!

It’s weird that the guys already know so much about Rachel and she knows nothing about them. Outside of the show, that would be considered “stalking.” But add a couple cameras and it’s a quality primetime programming!

Instead of a Bachelorette that has everything going for them, they should pick a single mother from Teen Mom. The ratings would triple.

Alex the Meathead Nerd: I like him, reminds me a bit of myself. So he is going to lose.
Side note: The B-Camera shots they make these guys record (Ex: Alex lifting weights in one hand, and lifting a book in the other) are so terribly cringeworthy I want to punch the producers through the screen.

Lucas “Whaboom”: Immediately hated. He is the punchable douche from every 80’s movie. The type of guy that did well in high school because girls enjoyed his outgoing personality, but they would eventually dump when they found him hooking up with their best friend. I hate to admit this, but this would be a great guy to get a beer with. He came in with a catch phrase and matching t-shirts and regardless of the outcome of this show, will make more money in show business than I ever will.

Blake the Personal Trainer: This guy did the impossible, he out-douched Lucas "Whaboom."

Brady the Male Model literally breaking the ice. As a performer, I respect the commitment to the bit.

The ventriloquist, an ambulance, and a grown male in a penguin costume. This show should be called “Cultural Anthropology: Proof that guys will do anything for a desirable woman.”

The guys all lurking around Rachel waiting to talk to her is proof of evolution. Literally nothing has changed in 30,000 years.

Lucas making it to the second round was the producer’s choice. Not Rachel’s.

Who I want to win: Peter
Who will actually win: Josiah

For more of Mitchell Virzi, check him out @mitchellvirzi on Twitter & Instagram. Also be sure to subscribe to his podcast “Virzi Triplets” on iTunes for an inside look into the lives of three stay at home sons every Monday morning. Lastly, be sure to tune in to The Gong Show on ABC Thursday June 29^th at 10pm to see The Virzi Triplets embrace primetime television for the first time in 15 years.